


this is my see through heart

by toreadthestars



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 15:32:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11717268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toreadthestars/pseuds/toreadthestars
Summary: 《~ Based on a prompt ~》If leaving Alec was the right decision, then why did walking away hurt so much? Why did every step feel like a million miles, every move feel weighted with anchors, every thought feel like drowning, every breath feel empty, every heartbeat feel lost?If leaving Alec was the right decision, then how come Magnus felt like a part of his soul was dying.





	this is my see through heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies!
> 
> Yes, for those who may recognise the name - toreadthestars has been reactivated! Thankfully, in the time I was away no one took my name. 
> 
> This story was inspired by, and is dedicated to [Mikaela.](https://puzzled-thoughts.tumblr.com/) Her prompt of seeing Magnus' side of the story inspired this one, and her months of waiting to talk to me paid off in the reactivation of my account and this piece just for her!
> 
> So, enjoy...

_Thud_.  
One step.  
_Thud_.  
Two, _thud_ , three.

The first, spanning 100 years and across 100 acres of space and time, taking Magnus further and further from the object of his affections. The second and third stretching the light-years thin and his heart broke a little more with every step away from Alec.

 _This is the right decision_ , he told himself over and over, _my heart can’t take any more. No matter how much it kills me, this is what is best – for both of us._ Regardless of these thoughts, as Magnus turned in the elevator Alec’s broken ‘ _We can figure this out_ ’ weighed heavily on his mind, echoing amongst the jumbled thoughts and dusty memories. It rattled through his bones and the sight of Alec, completely distraught and crying, chilled them further.

Magnus looked down, the pain and guilt seizing his insides making him feel sick. _I’m doing the right thing._ The doors began to close and Magnus looked up again, desperate eyes clinging to every last detail. Alec, his Alexander, brokenly stood – eyes affixed; hands still reaching, clenching empty air where Magnus’ hands once filled. Tears slowly making their way down his cheeks, breath catching. He looks like he’s in so much pain. His mind screamed, yelled, cried out for Magnus to go to his love - to stop his pain, to hold him, to be held. Their eyes met, locked by their gaze, Hazel met glamoured brown and Magnus gazed into the eyes he had loved from the moment he caught sight of them. _I’m doing the right thing._ The doors closed.

Magnus sagged, all fight leaving him. In these few brief moments as he descended, further into his own self-hatred and away from Alec, he had alone. He looked down at his shaking hands and felt a sob rise up in his throat. _I’m doing the right thing._ His whole body shook as he let out a few, brief, silent cries. He clutched his hand to his mouth to try to muffle the pain, to try to stop himself from breaking apart. The elevator began to slow and Magnus desperately wiped at his cheeks and took deep breaths to calm himself but neither stopped the onslaught of emotions attacking him on every front. He had to get out of there, he was beginning to lose control. His breath catching as the doors slid open, he took a shaky step out and into the room full of people. Magnus turned his head down and began to walk towards the door, thud. He’d made it into the corridor when he felt a hand on his arm and his breath caught, and he prayed his love wasn’t there because he wouldn’t survive another look at Alec’s broken face.

“A-Alec, please don’t-”

“Magnus!” He turned and saw Isabelle, smiling and unassuming. “I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for Max, I know you and Alec are fighting and all he needed was for you to be there and you were, despite everything.”

He couldn’t do this. Magnus just nodded and smiled, he could feel tears that he had barely pushed away gathering again and he had to get away. He turned, eager to make a quick exit.

“Wait, Magnus- Are.. are you okay? Did something happen?”

Magnus shook his head frantically, tears he tried so hard to hold back flinging off his cheeks. “Isabelle, I..”

His voice sounded pathetic, even to his own ears. He couldn’t get the right words out, couldn’t pretend.

“Magnus...”

Her voice became soundless, everything else a blur as Magnus’ eyes caught sight of something. Something with mussed hair and wide, puffy eyes. Something with tears staining porcelain skin, something with a determined expression. Something that bore such an expression of determination it rocked Magnus’ world to the core. Something he loved. And something he knew he had to let go.

He turned, he had to get away.

“Magnus, _please_.”

Magnus winced at Alec’s broken voice, cracking on his plea for his now ex-boyfriend to stay. Isabelle’s grip tightened on his arm and Magnus turned to look at her, desperately wishing for her to understand but her furrowed brows and glances between the two of them revealed she did understand. Magnus could see Alec getting closer, and he tugged at his arm.

“Magnus..”

“Isabelle, please. Please. I-I can’t do this.” Magnus shook his head, tugging harder. “I’m sorry, I-” His gaze turned towards Alec, “I’m sorry.”

He shook off Isabelle’s arm, and started to walk away, not letting himself look back. He could hear hurried footsteps, but he didn’t turn back – he couldn’t. He reached the door and pulled, only to have a hand reach out and keep it closed. Magnus felt hot breath on his neck and closed his eyes.

“Alec, _please_.” His voice broke, he couldn‘t do this.

Alec sighed, his breath hitting Magnus’ hair. Magnus felt a hand tentatively reach out and touch his waist. He took a deep breath in, surrounded by the rich, deep smell of an aging musk and sweet apples. A tear rolled down his cheek. He was so encompassed so caught up in his love, he felt whole and complete. Alec pressed further, his hand snaking round to draw Magnus further in. He was pressed along Magnus’ back, a foot in-between his own and his chin grazing over his shoulder. Magnus opened his eyes.

_I’m making the right decision._

Magnus pushed himself back so they both stumbled away from the door, Alec’s other hand grabbing Magnus’ waist to steady him. Magnus quickly turned around, his hand out to put distance between him and Alec.

“Alexander, _please_.”

Alec’s eyes were wide, red from crying and looked painfully swollen. Disbelief shone as he looked at Magnus. His hand reaching out, fingertips grazing Magnus’, who pulled his hand back as if it had been burned. Alec flinched.

“Magnus...” he whispered.

Magnus shook his head. His mouth moving to form words to painful to utter, only a few broken whimpers sounded.

“I can’t.” He quietly said, before turning and leaving the Institute and Alec behind.

_I’m making the right decision._

**Author's Note:**

> Ta-da!
> 
> The return of toreadthestars of course gave way to a second chapter, which may already be in the works... tell me, would that be wanted? 
> 
> If you want to see more of my interesting take on the world, find me at [toreadthestars](https://toreadthestars.tumblr.com/).


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